I thought sometime last weekend i was going to throw a drink in someone's face. it never happened. im slightly glad it did not, i am terribly afraid of looking like a silly jealous girl.
Often times when i am upset, i rework the events that have made me upset until i recognize some fault of my own. im blaming myself i can usually absolve most of my anger. the only people i manage not to do this with are my mother and people i am seeing.
With my mother, i am terrifically indulgent. YOU KILLED ME WHEN I WAS WINNING, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN ORPHAN, DAD DOESNT LOVE US. YEAH IVE SMOKED WEED BUT AT LEAST IVE TOLD YOU. HOW MANY TIMES? LESS THAN FIVE...ITS NOT EVEN A DRUG. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU FOR AT LEAST FOUR HOURS
with people that i am seeing/have seen/am not currently doing so, i am indulgent in diferrent ways. Its like noah and the whale say, i have only ever had a jealous kind of love; i guess it is emotionally sadistic. im finnicky and distracted, nervous than euphoric, always figeting, uncomfortable with a persistent nausea that makes me awfully unproductive. i must enjoy this emotional dyslexia because its a constant after a certain amount of time even with the most mediorcre of connections.
Not bad, but not love.
i think because it looks a certain way, a girl and a boy, a boy and a boy, a girl and a girl, that these feelings get triggered. Its just my natural bodily reaction. For instance, why in-an-out has a giant cheese oozing burger on their monumentous roadside advertisements. Visual to sensory, suddenly weary traveleer your mouth is watering and the 4.7 miles seems an eternity. Perhaps it doesnt even matter if you eat a peanut or a burger, if i meet an asshole or a wonderful person. They are corporal, in my phone, and i can look at pictures of how neat and funny they are on the internet. My mouth still waters. I still have indegestion.
The Germans have a saying, one of many. "Bemalte Blumen duften nicht."
Painted flowers have no scent.
I'll wait for my believable big, huge polleny bloom to get on over and give me an allergic reaction.