Monday, August 9, 2010

To Catch a Thief

I always enjoy a good limbo. But there is one that riles me into that state I assume dogs attain when they hear high-pitched whistles. If I remember correctly, this particular limbo is one of uncertainty, slight paranoia, and a pinch of delusion: when you think the boy is bagging someone(s) else.

I remember how sluggishly the tiny light of realization comes on. Maybe you accidentally read a months worth of text messages, or maybe his email was still logged in when you opened your browser. Maybe you are Lisbeth Salander and have been monitoring his Internet trail for months. To me it reads like the half an hour after somebody relieved themselves and tried to cover it up with Glade aerosol. The cloyingly sweet scent pervades every pore in your body as it attempts to mask what just happened, but underneath it all, the shit still stanks.

Now all divas in this world just want a little respect. And respect is usually attained with a little honesty. But if honesty is not a top priority in the boy's baby banging behind, it's time to take measures into your own hands. Here's the how-to on catching the thievin, lyin, doggin scoundrel.

1) God Complex.
In order to become a crazy investigative bitch, you must have the backing of a higher purpose. You are the savior for all the women who have been spurned, who's unrequited love has driven them to booze, drugs, or weight gain. You are the hero of the bitch. Consider that women are an integral part of reproduction, the veritable and only source of life for human kind; if this gender begins to disintegrate, a threat of the extinction of our species exists. Therefore homegirl, you are not just catching that bastard, you are saving the human race.

2) Review the Script.
So you realize you're Mother Teresa. Perfect. Now it's time to get to work. Begin over analyzing every moment you were together. Was he really buying panties for his mama? Was that actually a bruise on his thigh? Did we actually go to dinner last week, or did I hallucinate that? Trust nothing. One thing man has never been very capable at is covering his tracks. Take Bill Clinton. I bet Monica could scrapbook their time together. All you have to do is gather the facts...erm, well assumptions based loosely on facts, that may have seemed paltry before but will take on greater meaning when you put them in perspective. Remember when he took you to the movie and then went to the bathroom? What do you think he was doing in there? Peeing?! pssh, c'mon girl. Wise up.

3) Manipulation.
Okay so now you have a bullet proof case based on hyperventilation, resentment, and paranoia. It's time to test the waters to see how your claims hold up. When do the boys creep? And when is their guard down? Late at night, and in the bathroom. Show up at two a.m. in a trench coat, with Clue and a good bottle of red. When he looks at you as if you have three tits, breeze past him and say, "I thought maybe you could Clue me in." Secondly, hide a walky talky in his bathroom. Twice a day, scream into it WHO ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH. He'll be so caught off guard on both occasions that you may just find the answers you're looking for.

4) Show him ya Teeth.
Soo maybe the bathroom interrogation and game night didn't work. You've got a tough chocolate chip cookie on your hands. Not to worry. Employ your second string of offense (and don't fret, in this metaphor you are a pro football team, not high school, so second string is just as good as the first). I like to go a little old school when it comes to the intimidation factor, make him an offer he can't refuse. I imagine it'd be difficult to find a decapitated horse head, but it's the thought that counts. Use old stuffed animals. He won't be happy to find a bed full of bunny and teddy bear heads one morning. If you're wicked serious, perhaps a ken doll or two.

5) Physical Violence.
Water boarding. Strangulation. Handcuffs. Taser.

Just kidding. Don't do that. Seriously, don't do that. But it is getting down to the wire. Your previously sane methods didn't work. It's time to play dirty. This one requires a bit of cash flow, so while you are doing all those other normal and sexy activities listed above, save some money. Then hit him with an all day pain fest: Shopping spree. You need some "new clothes," in fact you need a lotttt of new clothes. Begin at a department store. He should hold your bag while you are in the dressing room, emerge after every outfit to discuss the stitching, hemlines, or construction of each garment. Then go to a shoe store. Try on five pairs of heels and ask him to walk around the store with you. No sitting. Ask the sales girls to bag everything separately. and Gift wrap it, he's carrying it. Visit boutiques that only have chairs as decoration. Try to go to lunch at a vegetarian or vegan place that doesn't serve alcohol. Finish the day off with a stop to the drug store for tampons. Suddenly receive a work phone call and ask him to "pick them up for you." After he takes you home, turn to him and thank him for a wonderful day. Then ask him if he is banging blah blah blah's name you found in his inbox. If he doesn't crumble after that, you've got bigger problems. He's gay.

This fool-proof list is 45% guarenteed to catch your man's side dish. Now is not the time to wallow, it's the time to get a lawyer because you will probably need one.

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